she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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