So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
