You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
