im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
