....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
