and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
