Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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