I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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