I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
