My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
