I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
