my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
