fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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