you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
