party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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