I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
