Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We need to get me chipped asap
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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