if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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