dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
