There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
