Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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