yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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