Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
