Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
