My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
