i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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