hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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