bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
