I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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