Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
