I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
