god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
