Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
