I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
