FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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