What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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