god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
