i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
