i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
