ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
