During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
