She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
