she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
