I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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