My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
