she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
