Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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