proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
