Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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