Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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